Have better friendships
in 14 days or less.
From “The New York Times’ friendship correspondent,” a step-by-step guide to understanding the fundamental mechanics of friendship.
It’s never been easier to shed friendships which is precisely why we need a new approach to keeping them strong.
Out June 4 on Sounds True.
Pre-order now to unlock exclusive bonuses!
What People Are Saying About Modern Friendship
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"When Anna Goldfarb writes, she makes you feel as if you’re her dearest friend. You’ll laugh, you’ll be charmed, and you’ll learn so much. In the confusing world of friendship, Modern Friendship is the compass we all need. Read it and your friends will be thankful you did.”
- Dr. Marisa Franco, psychologist and author of
Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends -
"Modern Friendship is a must-read for anyone looking to better understand the state of friendships today. Anna's such a witty writer, and her ability to make big ideas engaging and accessible is a gift. Readers are sure to have a few laughs between genuine moments of enlightenment."
- Danielle Bayard Jackson, Friendship expert and author of Fighting for Our Friendships
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“Light bulb after light bulb appeared over my head as I read Anna Goldfarb’s wise and funny Modern Friendship. For all of us who feel like our friendships are too few, far-flung, or flatlined, her counsel is a decoder ring for deeper, closer relationships. This stuff really works, so do yourself―and your social life―a favor and read this book cover to cover.”
- Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, clinical psychologist and author of How To Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety
What’s In The Book
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Why Adult Friendships Are Hard to Achieve
Society Isn’t Set Up to Support Adult Friendships
Trust in Others Is at an All-Time Low
Your Personality Quirks Make It Harder to Make and Keep Friends
Friendships Can Collapse for Interpersonal Reasons
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TRUTH #1: Friends will disappoint us
TRUTH #2: Friendships will change
TRUTH #3: Friendships require maturity
TRUTH #4: You need to be okay with occasional rejection
TRUTH #5: It’s on us to look for opportunities for connection
TRUTH #6: Being someone’s best friend will make you happier
WELCOME TO WHOLEHEARTED FRIENDSHIP!
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“Just Make New Friends,” People Say
Exercise: Identify Your IRL Social Network
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How Choice Theory Helps Us Understand Why We Have the Friends We Do
Why People Make Friends
Friendship Between Genders
Get Clarity About the Friendship Status
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Exercise: Identify Your Pool Partiers
When friendships feel unbalanced
Friendship Tiers
Exercise: Break Out the Bubbly Because It’s Awards Season, Baby!
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Where to Find Friends
Exercise: Identify Places to Make Friends
Factors That Influence Who You Befriend
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Exercise: Identify Your Values as a Friend
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Exercise: Cast Your Friendship Roles
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Why We Stay in Unhappy Friendships
Taking a Step Back from Non-toxic Friendships Without Feeling like an Insensitive Demon
Exercise: Map a Fallout with a Friend
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Three Ingredients of a Modern Friendship: Desire, Diligence and Delight
Desire: Who You Yearn to Spend Time With
Diligence: Who You Prioritize Spending Time With
Delight: Who You Actually Enjoy Spending Time With
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Extend Better Invitations
Exercise: Crafting Clear and Compelling Invitations
Exercise: Brainstorm Activities You Can Do with Friends.
Exercise: Take a “What’s It About” Inventory
When The About of the Friendship is Unclear:
Option #1: Recruit an accountability buddy to meet a goal.
Option #2: Propose suggestions for a
new reason to get togetherOption #3: Negotiate a new about.
Banish Ambiguity
Rekindling Friendships
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Be an Igniter
Exercise: 30 Activities Friends Can Do Together
Say Yes to the Things People Ask You to Do
Exercise: Cold Call Boot Camp
How to Handle Rejection
Exercise: How to Not Take Rejection Personally
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Nix Uncertainty
Exercise: Be Explicit about What you Want
Realistic Expectations are EVERYTHING
Two Mountains, Two Experiences
Make Small Tweaks
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How to Decline Favors
Exercise: Turn Down Plans
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STEP 1: Frame Invitations Properly
STEP 2: Make Silences Mean Something
STEP 3: Try Not to Take Rejection Personally
Exercise: Extending Invitations
Exercise: Make Silences Mean Something
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Exercise: Express Appreciation
How to Show Gratitude: Give Awesome Compliments
How to Show Gratitude: Gift Giving
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How to Offer Practical Help
Exercise: Offer Comfort
How to Be Curious
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How to Give Advice Without Alienating Others
Exercise: Giving Advice in a Wholehearted Way
Resist Problem-Solving
Moving Forward
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DAY 1: START FRESH
DAY 2: ACCOUNTING
DAY 3: COMMITMENT
DAY 4: GOAL SETTING
DAY 5: DILIGENCE
DAY 6: DESIRE
DAY 7: AUTOMATION
DAY 8: DELIGHT
DAY 9: VULNERABILITY
DAY 10: TAKING BIDS
DAY 11: FAVORS
DAY 12: REKINDLE
DAY 13: MINDFULLY VENT
DAY 14: MAKE MEANING
Anna Goldfarb is a journalist, author and speaker. Called “The New York Times’ friendship correspondent”, Anna’s work explores the nuances of friendships, relationships, and pop psychology. She has reported for outlets including The New York Times, The Atlantic, TIME, Vice, The Cut, Vox, and The Washington Post.
She earned her undergraduate degree in sociology from Barnard College, Columbia University and a master’s degree in journalism from Temple University.
She writes the Substack newsletter, Friendship Explained, where she demystifies friendship mechanics through a pop culture lens.
